ZHan
2403198
Blabbering is my forte
Snapping pic is my fav
One World Sold out for Jesus

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Maybe I dun deserve to live another day.
Do you think you are ready for any relationship now?
A question that kept me muddling since the day Joy questioned my heart.

Apparently, this new-age sensitive guy will thoroughly contemplate any question that threatens the foundation of his being. The foundation of love.

Yes! was the reply with a few seconds of hesitation.
I didn't know what intruded me.

My life. Current life. Beautiful life. Awesome life is nevertheless not much difference from Othello's - a struggle between domestic responsibility and public responsibility.

Domestic: Parents and Church. If one of them have any fresh intrusion and friction, I will have a hard time @ home as well @ church. A tiny bity problem will cause a huge emotional WooHa!

Public: Friends and School. My source of happiness and enjoyment comes from both areas. Without one, my life will be quite miserable. When both have conflict with one another for my prescence and immediate attention, I will so break down as I weigh the opportunity cost and the losses I might face with all the tension.

However, with both domestic and public clashes, I lose my marbles.
So when relationship comes in. Will it become a recipe of self-destruction?

Whatever Zhi Han the Moor..

Who is who?
I'm an advocate of the Dot-theory, and an adversate of the Circle-theory.
So what's what?

Dot-theory:
You will find one steady. Have fun. Get married. Have loads of fun.

Circle-theory:
You will have load of steadies. Have bitterness and little fun. Finally found one. Get married. Get healed up. Have loads of fun den.

The combination is like Logic Gates. Physics.
OR. AND. NOR. NAND. NOT.

The only combination for the theory to be true for all conditions, certeris paribus, is AND.
Dot + Dot = loads and loads of fun
Circle + Circle = Bitterness and fun.
Dot + Circle = ?

Come on!
Get married @ the age of 25..
Woolala..

Marriage plans..
Assuming I'm married @ 25 and I have 1 child per year.
25 + 36 = 61
Assuming all my children are adults.
61 + 21 = 82
Assuming one of them get married @ 25.
82 + 4 = 86
Assuming I get to see my grandchild with one year's time.
86 + 1 = 87
Assuming my 1st grandchild reaches 25.
87 + 25 = 112
Assuming i get to see my 1st grandgrandchild.
112 + 1 = 113

Hmmmmm..
maybe 36 is kind of..
Whatever ZHan.

Positive thoughts!
Action of the Day:

I BEAT my BROTHER!!
Not physically..
but in English Chess.

Somebody say amen!!

It wasn't a very victorious win.
It was his last 3 mistakes that I laid my stakes at.

:)
I cried buckets today in church.
I was like 'forgive my parents for doing..' 'forgive them of abusing..' 'i call down blessing on..' 'honour them God..' 'protect them God..' 'Waaaaaaaaaaa.. '

A sheet of tissue became a wet ball.. full of my fluids. gross sia..

You know..
the typical new-age sensitive guy like ZHan is like a typical tap. Either no tears or full of tears.. open the floodgates opened, it's bawling time. Sniffing and wailing like nobody's business.. even when the service is over and everyone was healed up ready to leave church.. my eyes are red with tears within my horizon. One hand squeezing the mashed tissue and the other wiping dried tears on my cheeks.

My ruddy face made me seen to be though a drunkard..
Got drunk with my salty tears..

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..

I seldom cry one..
Den today..
Oooops! can't stop the incoming flow.

My pastor was staring @ me after I recovered from all the crying:

' Eh... ZHan! you ok or not? '
' Hmmmmm..' -nodding profusely-
' Cry more. You will feel better after that.'
' Hmmmmm..'
- took a deep breathe to control abit-
' Pastor. I'm very proud of you.'
' Hmmmm. That's very encouraging from a disciple.'
- wiping my tears with the same ball of tears-drenched tissue-

Truly..
revival nation is my kind of church. Heaven on earth sanctuary.
I'm my pastor's biggest fan and also the person behind her - Jesus!!
haha..

'Justice is good. But mercy is better.'
Justice is getting what you deserved.
Mercy is not getting what you deserved.

I'm learning how to shower mercy and to 'slow in speaking and fast in hearing.'

Sorry!!
today no woman topics..
I always do things that I dun like.
I hate long poetry den I composed what I hate.
Whatever ZHan..

I had a boring day. Sort of lar..
I have been reading a book.
It's about man and women. Nothing to do with GP. Not some gender issues nor sexual biasness readings. It's about manhood. ( Eh.. not THAT manhood I'm referring lar. Not the highly concealable weapon of mass destruction.)

Do you know..
that woman is the testing ground for man and how we (guys) treat women is a reflection of our relationship with God. This relevation confirms what God has been putting inside of me - honour women (initially I laughed..). I always ponder how to honour them and the only way to honour them is to understand them.

'Understanding women is a huge element of Christ-built manhood'
I love this phrase.

Appreicating women is actually a form of entertainment. Not sexually lar.
Sometime.. I observe some of my female friends. They can really speak out of their minds and the conversations they have are at time so alien to me. Like they are having their women talk in another language with jargons, non-existing in my peanut brain. And they can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.. ( get it? )

I wouldn't say I never seem porno before.
But it's not the bareskin under the garments that makes women attactive and alluring but is the things they wear on them (include earrings and hairbands and etc..) that creates an explosion. Skins are skins.. after all you see them all the time. It's kind of boring to stare at. However, women's fashion is changing non-stop and it can't be stopped.

Casual Girls: Tank-top. Spaghetti-straps. T-back. Bareback. U-back. Blouse.
Casual Guys: Singlet. Shirt. Tee-shirt. Sleeves-less.

Women can wear guys but guys can't wear girls..
so unfair..

Oh no..
what happened to me??
I'm blogging about women..

-Checking for leg hairs-

I still have a few strains attached to my hairless legs.
I'm still a growing boy.
I might be shy when I meet a girl. Hehehe..
Whatever ZHan..

Question: which is more obivious? Hate someone or like someone..
I composed this poem to commemorate
my friends who went through the valley of my worst with me:

Sky

Darkness gloomed my lit-up nights
Swallowing my stars with little bites
Munching and crushing the dreams of mine
Making life harsh and without might.
I screamed hard for moonlight
but rushed a high tide - my tears drowned me alive.

Pressure blinded and misguided I.
Laid and shift, I lost my Guide.
Every night, sleep lurked like death - horrid and hunger.
I detest. I protest. I contest. I pretest.

Life then was a shattered bottle
without hope and full of gore.

Until aid came in the slightest way
Bit by bit the bottle remade
From the bottem to the top
Cautiously and carefully
But my Creator came with a hammer - no mercy

The knight stripped clean
Nothing to cover my shame
Everything exposed to the public - fear was in I.

Christ-built friends seen my despair.
Amongest them brought a surprise - cookies and chips.
Apart them aided the dare - sang and played.
Silence and he made his move
with eyes that sparkle like rubies at me.
My voice as blunt daggers - no effect.
Astonished by their reaction - he wept.

Blessing showered from above.
Drenched the lost soul on the stage
I spoked like a drunkard - restlessly and unwisely
Finally he reaped what he sowed - he smiled

Thinking back what was done.
I just want to say 'thank you very much'
This is my sky.
Dotted with people of my life.
Still vivid in my mind.
I told everyone that I want 36 children. Thirty-six. Three-six.
Can't blame me ma.. that time I was on fire for God. Den read about it's a blessing to have many many children, a curse to have a few. Den I want to have three 12 den 3 times the anointing..
Woo la la..

Sometime when you are alone. Nothing to do.
Your mind is as blank as a floating cloud that swims across the bright blue sky. Dotted with other little pockets of clouds here and there. You just want to think about something good to brighten up boring sky of yours with stars and moon and flying creatures..

I think of my usual stuff..
Girls. Women. Wife.

My imagination can sometime be so far-fetched from the reality. That it terrifies me when I accidently step over them.. but seldom have such encounters with them. I think life has been very kind to me. Sort of lar..

However, these few days, maybe under the influence of 'That thing you Do!' original soundtrack that I have been enjoying lately, accompanied with retro dances in front of the mirror. I became very loving woozy..

Just like a few hours ago..
I wonder what I will be doing to make my 'chosen one' to be the most lucky, fortunate lady on earth. As I was thinking.. I sort of formulated some sort of theory about women in general.

Imagine this..

Hey! how's your life been after marrying Zhi Han ?
Er..
Say lei!! must be very fun right?
Hmmmmm..
What have you guys been doing lately?
Sex? - wicked smile-
And?
More sex..
That's all?
Yar..
-A moment of silence-
Aiyo.. so poor thing. Let me give you a list of things I did with mine.
- the list goes on and on and on and on-

I think..
it's such a loser to marry to have sex.

Imagine this then..

HEY! how's your wedding been? I'm so sorry that I can't make it..
It's alright. Just some wedding lor..
Say lar..
Er.. we got our wedding package @ a discount price and free extra..
Really?
Yar. Den we received lots of sponsers from friends and relatives.
Wow..
And love gift from church.. paid only 100 plus.
ONLY?
Somemore we skydived on our wedding day and others..
WoW!!
Our food multipled and there was so much leftovers..
Uh-huh!! go on..
We gave our testimonal and souls were saved on our wedding.
Wao lao..
Den we won some lucky draw. We are going Paris for honeymoon.
WHAT?? Paris..
Fully paid and still got somemore..
Lucky sia.
No lar.. Just pray like crazy den God will bless abundently.


Oh man. Oh man.
Come on!!
Faith engulf me..

Welcome to r.n... -HEY!! look here lar! not there..- 

Welcome to r.n.'s own Christ Revolution.. 
My life is back to normal after elections.
All's about loving and woozy with Holy Spirit.
Get so in love with God wholeheartly and his people.

Got into the mood to study is one thing.

Church is growing.
From 3 to 10 to 20 to 30 to 35 within 3 years..
This is called miracle growth in church.

revival nation is the best church.
Church is my life.
And my life is church.

I dun want to leave church after service when
in the morning, I reached there early and still want to
dwell in there until evening.

So tempted to quit school.
Oh man. Oh man.
Have to wait for calling.

Come soon lei..
Den i can work in chruch all my life.
Do crazy stuff for Jesus.
Be a fool for Christ.

Heal the sick.
Cast out demons.
Resurrect the dead.

Evangelize and capture the whole Geylang community.
Oh man. Oh man.

How many times have you evangelized this year
and seen fruit to bear?
One!

Nothing is impossible, says the the Lord your God.

This is revival nation.. 

Dancing under the moonlight. -tsk tsk- 
101 things about ZHan.
I grew up with this song: That Thing You Do!

Maybe I'm in love with someone new..

I love school.
I can't wait for the next day to come and rush to school.
But holiday is coming soon. Sigh..

No matter how horrible, terrible, boring school life might be..
Love just changes everything.

Say Amen!
I lost.

I'm neither sad nor disappointed.
My emotions are dead.
As in, I dun feel anything when I saw the list.

Dun have the my-world-caved-in feelings.
Dun have overwhelmed feelings as well.

I think.
I have dreamt of this before.
I remembered that the dream was about someone asking me whether I was feeling ok and many other things that was related to some counsul thingy..

Young man see visions, Old man dream dreams.

I'm losing my focus.
Both spiritually and physically.
My brain is spoilt to a certain extent.
Maybe I might see the doctor if it gets worse.
The headaches are killing me.
I can't think like before.

Life is so like this.
I might die.
I might lose my memory.
I might change to another personality without knowing.
I might join the Dark side.

Self-profess prophesy.
Irony indeed.
Happy is a man who shops.
Shopping is a channel to focus on something nice.
I spent my whole Saturday evening @FOX.

Blue FOX Jeans - $69
Red hot 72 singlet - $19
'Do you want to live forever?' nature green top - $23
Satisfication - Priceless

Now I finally understand why women love shopping..
it's quite an experience to doll yourself with almost all
the fashion they have and eventually get just a few sets
home to store in the wardrobe.

I feel SeXy with my new stuff.
Shopping is the immediate remedy to low spirit.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Hooray!!

However, everything has its pros and cons.
My feet hurts still. Cramped after a night's rest.
I know I'm no veteran, but I was hooked.
Can't help it...

What's the difference between 'purchase' and 'shopping'..
Purchase is buying something that you need.
Shopping is buying something that you or your friends want.
Amen.

I was like..

'eh bro, look at this! isn't it nice to buy for someone?'
'uh-huh'
'what do you think about this?'
'hmmmmm..'
'what about that?'
'hmmmmm..'
' I think I like this more!'
'hmmmmm..'
'Na.. too X. lets go den.'
-sigh of relief-

Hahaha.. I was with my brudder.
My ATM. Brothers forever.

Do you know that Permutation and Combination can be applied during shopping as well? Like what goes with what and how many combination you can achieve by swooping this and that. But there are always some exceptions like some colours just can't make it when they are put together. Always remember not to assume ceteris paribus.

Oh man..
I can't wait for another round of shopping.
Maybe do it with my friends someday.

One thing to remember - 'Consumer is King'
I had to have this written down, so as not to think of it over and over again.

What I did on Friday for my election speech..
Did I do the right thing or didn't I?

I totally dunno what to say.
I hate myself sometimes to be such a coward in not believing myself anymore.
I will always weight the pros and cons to a point. I get so confused by my actions that I missed out the most important issues that I struggle with. I never like to make decision for myself. I never like to do anything for myself. I never like people to thank me for the thing I do.

I can blame all I want about myself. My DNA. My personality. Me.
But until the sun sets and the moon holds high in the deep darkness.
I have to face another day when morning breaks. I have to...

All I want is that God just tell me all his plans about my life and just like use a remote control and control my every movement. If I defy, just kill me and let me die...

That's so immature of me.
But I really can't stand myself and my decisions.

I promised my friends who gave me their fullest support to endose me to their friends and did everything they could to assist me in my performance and campagin, to give all my best for it. But I ended up screwing up all these because of one thing.

Pride.

I hate my guts.
I hate my pride.
I hate both of them. Whether they are related or not.
I so want to give them a few good punches.

Yes.. even thought I felt much better and much happier after I said all I wanted to. But what I confessed is not what others wanted to hear. I seem to be the only fool on the stage that I even dare to display my speech on the table. I so gave myself away when I decided to return to my oldself.

People had so much faith on me.
So much that I cried, hoping that I was just a nightmare I was thrown into.
Life is full of turmoil. Life is full of craziness. Life is full by itself.
Prayers and supports that they gave, made me feel so.. inferior.

Since young, it was all one-man-show. I did everything by myself.
I taught myself how to ride a bicycle. I taught myself not to trust anyone on the planet. I taught myself to stand up when I fell. I was alone. I had noone to go to when I was in trouble. I was walking by myself day and night. I had no friends to trust, to talk to. Nothing.

Over the years when Jesus came into myself.
I got so many issues to deal with. My sin. My thoughts. My culture. Me.

Once, in my life, it was just me and myself. My world only contained me. I'm king. Noone was any concern to me. My childhood friend left without saying good bye. My pri school buddies deserted me when I was in trouble. I made people to buy my trust when there was profit. I felt superior.

Now.. I feel useless without God. I feel worthless without church. I feel like nothing without my friends. I feel lonely when I'm alone. I can't live without one day without any social contact with anyone. I will just die. I feel so inferior... so cold.. so empty without God.

I was a broken man when God picked me out from the trash can, after I was battered phyiscally and emotionally. I had nothing to offer God, nothing to exchange with Jesus. I was worse than a stray dog.

I grew up independently. I grew in envy when I saw other parents attending their children's prize award ceremony and parent-meeting session; when they cheered for their childern and took thousand of photos of them. Their greatest moment.

And I. Alone with 2 empty seats beside me.
I told myself to be strong, dun cry. But inside I was weeping like mad. I was screaming for fairness, I was shouting for my parents' attendance, until the day my heart harden and I was immune to any feeling, any emotions. I was dead inside.

With now, I was healed by Jesus.
I, in some sense, become very sensitive with emotions. I get very tense with trivial matters. I contemplated too much.

I never felt so supported by people. I grew up in a negative upbringing, that they never believe in my abilities, or should I say, they didn't believe in me. Now with support and help coming my way, I feel so soft. I dunno how to react.

Many people tried to understand me. Tried means and ways to know what's inside of me, but was futile. Even myself, also dunno what I will be thinking or doing at the given situation.

Precedent is never me.
I'm always changing. I hate to stop. I'm hyper-active.

Who am I?
I really got no idea or so whatever.
Maybe, I might have an insight from my friends' point of view.

'It takes one to know one.'
I hope so.
Spent 3 hours to do the speech.
Recited for 13 times or so.
Contemplated for 30 mintues.
Ended up saying about 3 paragraphs only.
3 Cs that troubled my heart.

Commitment. Consequences. Coward.

Guess who are they? 

There are eight volcanoes in Virunga park, two of which are active. These three are extinct...
I read an article.
Food for thought.

Something that was rather applicable to us.
Humans.

'And for those of us who grew up with Minogue, there's a further appeal. It's a shared knowledge that somewhere beneath the glitter and the gloss and the smooth, smooth hair here's Charlene, her Neighbours character, in a frothy wedding dress, stepping out of Erinsborough church with Jason Donovan on her arm. As someone who spent a succession of school discos attempting the Locomotion, I nurse a particular fondness for this woman who began her rocketing trajectory at a point when celebrity had not yet begun to eat its own tail. I would imagine that if Abi Titmuss was diagnosed with gallstones tomorrow she would gladly have the surgery live on air and then auction the scalpel to the highest bidder. Minogue, in contrast, has retained a certain freshness, a lack of cynicism and an accessibility.'
After a sleep.
After a storm.

I'm not that lonely after all.
I'm just a fool that wanted all.

Rest more.
Actually.
I feel lonely at times.
But I just denied it.

Maybe I'm too proud to acknowledge
that I need friends when I fall.

Cocky.
I dun think anyone will notice me
when I disappear.
'Faith comes by hearing - hearing the Word of God.'
Romans 10:17

Annaism.
High pitch mixed with a sense of cuteness and gentleness,
plus a wide alluring smile.
'Can you do this for me?' -annaism applied-
'Ahhh...' - mesmerized-
'Can?' -double dosage of annaism-
'Ahhh... Yes! No problem!' -still mesmerized-

Eric.13th Birthday.
He's negative about his BIG day falling on Friday the 13.
Poor dude. He ought to think otherwise.
Su, Shi Shi, Mar & myself went to his 6 avenue mansion to deliver a slice of walnut and banana filled chocolate cake from Secret Recipe and a 'BIG BOSS' metal plate with full of Mar's writings for him.
Awesome..

3 - 1. Saints wept.
NJC struck down the hopes that were pinned on the SA soccer team. A very much undermining strategy - confusion within the white box. The goalkeeper is vulnerable when the ball is 10 feet away from the post. A hard and forceful pump onto the ball will be either a goal or his broken bone.
I left before the match was over for I knew the fate of the match.
The Saint couldn't afford another goal, thus turned from offense to defense.

Aftermath. Complains.
Many rumored about the bias judgement of the referee.
I remained quiet on that issue.
For I perceived the stage front needs lots of endorsement from the backstage. I wonder if there was any strings attached.
Mutiny was on the verge after the match.
Luckily Saints are sane, not insane.

PI. New perspective.


-Top Secret-



Fatigue. Cry baby.
I have been sleeping very early most of the days.
Maybe it's the way for me to deviate from the dilemmas that I face.
Tonnes of work need to be done.
Campaign that I fear.
Faith that I struggled with.
Streak of dry tear across my face accompanied me to sleep every night.

Green Tape. White wordings.
The class is very enthusiastic in supporting and find means and ways to endorse and promote me.
My picture can even be seen at my class blog.
Green tapes on my classmates' shirt,
send signals of apprehension for my competition.

Muggers. Inferior.
My class is formed up of wonderful people.
Organised muggers. I would say.
Inferiority is now my middle name.

Homo Sapiens. God.
Literature is the understanding of human nature.
Bible is the understanding the nature of the Trinity.
Together. They are the recipe of revival and relationships.
Lifestyle. Gobalisation.
I live in an overweight, overpressure and underexcerise world,
feeling weightless and lightheaded.

Campaign. Fused up.
My campagin solgan: Privilege to Serve, Honoured to Be.
Vote for me! And I will bring you peace and love.
Actually, it's a understatement.

Girls. Women.
I need to focus.
But I thank God for His wondrous creation.
It's quite difficult to understand the psychological state of one.
I can't imagine myself trying to preceive another.
One minute lovely, another minute violent.
But they made my life much more meaningful.

Rugby. Lost.
SA was brutally defeated by AC.
I saw Supermen. Soaring here and slamming there.
NC-16. M-18. R-21. Definitely not PG.

Peter Pan.
I wish I could soar to
Escape from my troubles.
Stay young and childlike.
Laugh like a youth
with no tomorrow in mind
except the meals to eat.
Songs to sing,
Dances to skip,
Music to play,
Time to waste.
Always the case.
Childhood Wishlist:
1.) Visit the Zoo.
2.) Say goodbye to my childhood friend.
3.) Live a nomadic lifestyle.
4.) Get married soon.
5.) Build my Lego Kingdom.
6.) Dun need to wear glasses forever.
7.) To know Jesus.
8.) Learn how to drive.
9.) Be like Batman.
10.) Find a buddy.
My Dark Dilemma

Being the last is not an easy task.
Tough was the last,
but he ran at last.
To show that he had the last laugh,
He laughed with gust.
Hero or zero was not his task,
but was the cast's task.
Heroes inherit all the cheers,
but the zero hears nothing but jeers.
Zero with the mask,
muster his mark
and hit homerun.

Am I a champion?
I guess so.

10 x 200m. Romanis.
1st heat Romanis representative. Last in raking.
I was the last runner, the last resort and the last to return.
The chipped metallic baton was fiercely approaching towards me.
I pulled up my shorts slightly, on the mark to dash off.
It's approaching.. approaching.. approaching and bull's eye!
I turned and was very much taken back by the red track.
There was no one. Not a soul.

Immense pressure was on me. Heart-wrecking scene.
A sportman's breakdown: To give up or to sprint...
A song poured in:

'I dun care what people would say, it's alright..
I'm running after You...'

"Jesus. I'm sprinting for you," I confessed.
I bowed down and focused on the white line.
I dashed. I'm running.. runnning.. running after You.
I'm weak. Undermined, I am.
3 interval breath is what I took, before hitting the finish line.

I did it.

I felt extensively weaken. Some brain cells died.
I lost my sense. I can't think.
I was brain locked. System shut down.
My heart stopped pumping.
My brain stopped functioning. I was dying.
My eyelids were heavy.
My vision was blurred. I was about to collapse.
A sense of peace brushed across my cheeks.
Death never felt so sweet.
I stretched my arms to embrace Death. I was in an illusion.
'Delusion death decays thee.'

"STAND UP!" a voice commanded me. "MOVE!"
The peaceful touch turned to an empowering impact.
I stood firmly and struggle to walk in proper steps.
One. Two. Three. Four. On the grass patch. I was revived.
I was again. Brought back alive and kicking.

Conscience. Alived.
I was back to where I left off.
Rooted myself back on the cold concrete grandstand.
Cold sweat. Boiling blood. Overutilisation joints. Shaky limps.
I could think. I could rationalize. I could contemplate. I could..
Compliments snapped me awake, I was responded dryly to them.

My first question: 'Was I any near the last runner?'
Replies were oddly different. I was utterly perplexed.
'Oh well.. who cares about the last runner.' I comforted myself.

Gradual Revelation.
The blind can see. The deaf can hear. The mute can speak.
I was evaluating the whole race. Analysis the my actions that
might contribute to the downfall. Contemplating in progress.
I stopped. For cynical, I foreseen.

Decided to turn my back on negativity.
"Why did we run when we could withdraw?" I muttered.

Believe.
We believe that we could make it to the last,
even thought the circumstance was definitely disadvantage to us.
I recalled the vision of my opponent's legs.
Their define muscule features on
their favourable location of the leg structure.
Either they were inborn or 'man-made'..
It was though inspecting racing horses..
one look at the muscule surface, you can imagine the fibers beneath.

Perfectly conditioned muscles
with perfect footwear - little speed demons.
I was right. Speed demon bloc ruled the racing dome with their terrorizing aura choking the weakling who was I. Demons who fed on their confidence to champ over others, was busily stretching their uptight joints and doing their last prays.

We, as well, said a small prayer. Clement was the intercessor.
The priest to confess our doubts and asking for empowerment.
Foolish, we might be seen.
But last resort still have it's effect, whether you notice it or not.

Last runner. Hero. Zero.
In the world of sports.
You are either a hero or a zero if you are the last.
That day.
The hero gains all the glory.
The zero unseen under the glory.
Soft and quiet, I was.